jess in the mundane

While writing this post, I tried to recall moments from my childhood, specifically, memories of being held or hugged. I know for sure as a baby I was held, always, and then often. Unfortunately, as with most of humankind, memories before three are simply gone with the wind.

As a child, deep in my tsundere bag, although I recall rarely seeking affection from my mom, I think goodbyes amongst family were events that necessitated real hugs.

As a tween with a sum total of two greeting emotes; the wave, and the “go say hi to your aunty” side-hug; the few times I remember receiving real hugs from others left me mostly stunned. My thought process in those moments would go something like: “…and I oop – personal_space.exe is being encroached *insert ever so slight panickkkk*. I guess this person is comfortable enough to do this……but why??? Is our friendship really that deep? Okay, what do I do with my hands? Do I hug back? ahhh, I guess it’s over now. Wait, that was a sweet gesture, my day = brighter”.

Teendom had me giving and receiving hugs much more casually, with even rarer intentionality. And in adulthood, BC (before Christ), the stats were even lower. The older I got, the more cynical I got, and the less vulnerable I allowed myself to be around others. And then, there was that one time I found myself in a season of isolation and deep sadness. It was here, during many bathroom sob sessions that hard gyal had a certain thought more than once, “dang, I sure could use a real hug, or ten, right about now”.

More recently, yesterday in fact, I came across a shocking song cover by Eric Gugua. Shocking for all the right reasons though; I was aware that he is a masterful storyteller and an effective communicator, yet I had no idea he could sing! But to the point of all this, the song he sang in this 90second clip was incredibly nostalgic. It was an Igbo gospel song I am familiar with from childhood. The lyrics read:

“Jigide m, Onye nwe m Jesus, jigide m”

which translates to

“Hold me firm, my Lord Jesus, hold me very closely”.

I will admit that a few thug tears were shed, because the lyrics, which had been merely legible to me as a child, now held deep meaning.

My initial recollection exercise at the beginning of this post has allowed me to realize something. I had assumed that I couldn’t immediately recall instances when I needed and received comfort, by simply being held. Not lectured, nor scolded. Just held and encouraged for a moment, then for a minute, and then for a while longer. But gurllll, acktualeighhhh, the Lord HAS indeed held me – simply, consistently, ALWAYS!

As an adult, I’ve had the utmost pleasure of being reintroduced to many portions of Scripture highlighting the Lord’s compassionate heart and care for His children. The Lord’s grip on us is one that is gentle but firm. Genuine, empathetic, persistent and healing. And even though in certain moments, I may not “feel” Him there, in retrospect, I clearly see Him there. Holding fast and close to me much more than I ever could, Him.

“If I say, “My foot is slipping,” your faithful love will support me, Lord. When I am filled with cares, your comfort brings me joy.”
‭‭~ Psalms‬ ‭94‬:‭18‬-‭19‬ ‭CSB‬‬

He will hold me fast
He will hold me fast
For my Savior loves me so
He will hold me fast

~ Lyrics by Ada Ruth Habershon

💛

Love,

Jess