I’m up at 4am listening to podcasts and I suddenly felt an urge to write something thats been on my mind for quite some time. I’ve decided to make my writing a bit more personal, trying to incorporate my own life experiences and even conversations that I’ve had. I appreciate it when others do that so I figured someone else out there might learn a thing or two from my own life.
I’ve been pondering over many, many things over the years and even currently in the last few months. I’ve had to be brutally honest with myself on a lot of character flaws. For a very, very long time, I’ve been okay with being satisfied with the future version of myself. Constantly looking ahead. Constantly anticipating the next thing, my next class, my next exam, my next level, the next and the next and the next. Everything for me has always been literally so fast. Fast moving and fast paced
I started elementary school when I was 4. Started secondary school at nine and college at 15. All I knew was centered on organized learning. A structured institution, intentional learning, purposefully choosing classes, courses, even friends along the way. My life was basically triangular. School, church, home. I knew nothing else but these three.
Don’t get me wrong, it was very much comfortable living this way. Sure there were struggles and obstacles along the way but I felt a sense of security with having my life mapped out. I knew what I wanted to be. Where I wanted to work. And even how I wanted to look. I had a vivid vision written down and I read those words every single month to remind myself of my goals, my aspirations, my fantasies, my preferences, my dreams and my ideals. And I mean in excruciating detail I knew what I wanted. Me, myself and I. I wanted me myself and I to be happy and fulfilled and so over the moon over how great my life would be.
It almost brings me to tears at how disgustingly self centered I was. So focused on myself and my needs and my insecurities and my problems and my successes and my finances and my life, I didn’t ever think about any one else. I never considered any other persons needs. I never prayed for anyone, I never cared for anyone. I’m not even going to sugar coat it, I really didn’t care. I didn’t care one single bit about anybody but myself.
I could try to deflect some of the blame on stuff that’s happened in my life and say it wasnt my fault I turned out that way. But it really makes no difference. My life is my responsibility at the end of the day. And I was a selfish person. An introverted, self centered, inconsiderate, thoughtless, uncharitable individual. Man, that’s a mouthful. Its painful to admit but it’s was very freeing coming to that point of confession. And it didnt come overnight. It took a long series of events, hard, life shaking events to finally, and I mean finally come to that point of admission. And to me, that was one of the greatest acts of God’s love for me. The Lord literally broke me to pieces and then put me back again. Not to resemble self or people or culture. But to resemble him.
One of the main things the Lord used was His amazing word. Man, am I grateful for the Bible. Sitting down to study Scripture revealed my own sins and redirected me to the one who can not just fix me, but actually make me new. The Lord Jesus Christ.
The words of Scripture have made me laugh, sigh, ponder, reflect, and even cry. Deep heart wrenching sobs at the middle of the night and quiet muffled tears in the mornings. Scripture is truly what it claims to be. Truth and Life. Ever refreshing to the body, soul and spirit. Piercing the stony heart and reviving the broken spirit. Bringing conviction and teaching compassion.
Compassion was a lost concept for me. I really had none of it. No love in my heart for anyone but me. But reading scripture with it’s over arching story line of the Gospel and the love of God shown through Jesus Christ, a selfless, compassionate, unconditional love that I had never seen, imagined or had the ability to comprehend, wrecked me. And it still wrecks me every single second of every single day.
I really don’t know how to conclude this post but I’m just in awe at how good God is and how wretched I was. Coming to terms with who I really was, was a huge step towards being who God’s calling me to be. Though I was and still am undeniably flawed, he loves me. And he chose to die for me. Man that’s a sentence that sends me! Jesus died for my sins. He chose to die for my sins. What a wow!
It will never stop being good news to me. It will never stop being the best news on earth. So I guess that’s what today’s about. The good news that’s always good. Good today, good tomorrow and good forever.
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:5-8 ESV
Let’s be friends!
2 thoughts on “4am Thoughts”
Ooh hon, do be easy on yourself!🥺💕 I’m surprised that I’m admitting this here but I can so recollect myself being this way too. I’ve been there too- feeling like a wretched being who deserves nothing. But I suppose we can be thankful first and not feel sorrowful again for it. If we’re fine with ourselves first then we can help spread the light on this world as we know it. And that I feel, is a wonderful way of giving back. 💖😄😇
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Most definitely! Change starts with the girl I see in the mirror, and then world😊. Thanks for reading! 💙