It feels like eons since I’ve opened my notes app to journal. And even the fact that I keep using this type of intro for my opening blog post paragraphs hints to my lack of consistency with writing.
“So, how’ve you been?”
I’ve been good. Not always great but definitely in a much better head space than I was 2 years ago. 2020 taught all of us to slow down. It brought me closer to God and filled me with an insatiable hunger to know our creator. I learned so much, cried so much, laughed so much, talked so much, and stayed still so much. It was a definitive season of my life that I am so glad and grateful for the opportunity to come out on the other side broken and refined. 2021 was a season of learning and unlearning. I tried new things and marked new life landmarks. I met new people and reconnected with old friends.
Now for 2022, so far it’s felt very still. And I know it seems weird to use that adjective considering the literal threat of global war lurking on the horizon, but I mean personally, inward. It feels quiet. So quiet. I may be getting less and less drawn to the things that never failed to entertain me. And I may have my tastes and preferences being altered. I may also be getting used to how life truly is. Settling into this semi-adult stage. It no longer feels like I’m in limbo and I feel steady. I almost want to use the word boring but it’s not quite. Just very still. I’m happy and grateful. I’m content, maybe too content. I’m also busy. I work and go to school simultaneously, while trying to build friendships on the side and serve the Lord. Scratch that, I’m not doing very well on the last part. I set some reading goals at the beginning of the year, also really falling short on those.
I don’t know. I’m okay. But I kind of feel like I should be more. Do more for the Lord, be a better sister, friend and daughter. I recognize that I’m really not doing my best. I’ve been very lazy, and busy which is weird. And I acknowledge all of that, but I somehow still lack the will to change the things in my life that aren’t necessarily an elephant in the room, but make me overly comfortable. I’m not being challenged to to grow. Maybe because the past year had me being content with just basking in the now that Jesus has placed me in. Just being content with who he is to me, as savior and Lord.
But I had a long convo with a good friend yesterday and she made me face what I’ve been ignoring. I’ve maybe been letting life happen to me for the past few weeks instead of living. Also a thing a wise person said on a podcast just came to mind. Time is a resource that God gives to all of us, and not making good use of it, allowing it to waste away because of purposeful laziness, that does not bring glory to God. I knew it was God speaking to me because i felt convicted hearing that.
So this is my personal admission. I’m a lot different that I was a few years ago. Been stripped of a lot of pride, bitterness, anger and pain. But now that healing has been initiated there is still work to do. Not just in my life, but for the sake of others. And for the sake of Gods glory. I don’t want to waste time anymore on the things that God has given to me. With my talents and my gifts. With my service and my life. I want to be fully satisfied at the end of my life, which may be an impossibility but maybe I can get close to that. I want to love easily, forgive easily. I want to be a disciple that Jesus is proud of.
Discipleship is hard. That’s one lesson from the past year I’ve learnt. It’s not always going to be easy to do the seemingly mundane everyday things like pray and seek the lord. But it is necessary. I’m clearly lacking in discipline and also lacking in drive. So my prayer for the remainder of the year is for the Lord to make my heart hurt for the the things that make his heart hurt. To make me desire him truly and fully like I did when he saved me. To make my heart burn for him, for his work, for his people, for his purpose and for his glory.