to be alive

There was once a time, not too long ago, when I wished I never existed. No, I don’t mean I wanted to unalive myself. I just really wished I wasn’t here in the first place. Life held no meaning anymore. The sadness that permeated my world & heart made no sense. I didn’t want to be made stronger, or grow, or all that motivational cow dung. I just wanted to not be here. Despair & apathy replaced the air in my lungs. I just wanted to not be here.

I never thought I would ever again feel a sense of normalcy. Every move I made was so mechanical, so forced. I was slightly impressed, yet horrified at how far I had held together despite being an absolute train-wreck on the inside. Truly at my wits end, I somehow knew that only a power beyond me could save me.

“There is not one piece of cosmic dust that is outside the scope of God’s sovereign providence” -R.C Sproul

There isn’t an atom in existence that God did not intend to create. And all He creates, He continually sustains & uses in His grand design. What truly drew me to Christ wasn’t just His majesty, beauty & love, but His power, purposefulness & ultimate providence. Before the foundations of the world were laid, He had you & I in mind. A perfect, holy God with all the power in the known & unknown universe, had in mind to adopt us into His family. This very plan of redemption gave Him great pleasure. My existence was predestined by a kind, gracious King. I have no power over it, but I do have an answer as to why it is so. That answer is found in Jesus.

In eternity past, the Lord willed me to be & to live. Now I surrender my will to Him. Not only because His will is better, but because in Him everything that matters makes sense. He is the glue that holds the fabric of reality together, the bond & balm holding all parts & pieces of my life together. He is my beating heart; my source & engine; my strength & portion forever. Indeed, to know & be known by Him is to truly be alive.

Today, I am grateful for the blessing of life here and now. Most of all, thankful for a most precious gift. One that was purchased, blood-bought & sealed for all eternity: everlasting life.